a short thought on home

tonight, the fog was so cut-it-with-a-knife thick that when i pulled onto the off ramp, i thought i was driving to heaven. my off ramp slants up, you see, and is under a series of lights bright enough to barely illuminate the fog. this wasn't a metaphor in the moment, no--in one of those awesome tricks my brain likes to play at the end of a very very long day, i actually thought for a breath that i was driving to heaven. it was a happy breath.

then i turned the corner, went down the same distance i upped, and remembered where on earth i was, though i couldn't see an earthly thing. i determined that home is the place that you still know how to find, even in the fog, and i was happy then too.

a dead poets society moment

note to the future me:

when i get tired with the world, or feel bored by life, or forget i can do new and good things that actually help people, stop. right then and there. read a book. have a conversation about something that matters with someone who’s passionate. go outside and marvel. sit quietly for 2 minutes and think about memory, vastness, how it feels to have a heart. the world is too real to waste it.

remember that on a not so cold day in january, i made new meaning of why i choose self-improvement as my forever quest: not because i want to be better than anyone else or even my past self, but because nothing else makes sense on this repeat-cycle earth than to go beyond where i am right now, to do something more gracefully and graciously the next time, to be differenter every moment than the last.

i must strive. i must push. i will make mistakes and muddy my face when i fall, and it will feel uncomfortable, even more so when the new me rubs tensely against the old. there will always be conflict between the way things were and the way things will be, the way i was and the way i will be. the best parts of life will spark from that rub.

this is my today truth.

anew

oh hey humans. you know why i love the word "anew" so much? because it balances both the newness and the againness of  the new year. that's an important balance, don't you think? we don't just peer into a brand new start, totally oblivious to what waits down the road; we stand at the top of a habit, on the back of a tradition, in the rut of our ways. i'm okay with that, some new and some again. if we didn't bring the past with us, there'd be no such thing as change.

so without further ado, my version of "resolutions."

1. be bold in relationships. i'm not totally sure what this means yet, but i think the year will tell me. i'm not just talking dating, so watch out humans--i'm a comin. 
2. buy a road bike that actually fits me. then ride it a lot, probs even hundred miles a lot in a century race. 
3. eat lunch and dinner more in than out. i'm 1 for 6 so far, but i can turn this ship around.
4. convince myself through habit that 10:30 pm is a wayyyy better bedtime than 1:30 am. 
5. surprise myself. this means thinking, 'i'm not really the type of person that would do xyz,' then snapping out of it and doing xyz. 
6. go at least one near and far place i've never been before. on purpose. 
7. love the ones i'm with. explore my hometown like i'm on vacation. put the phone away when i'm with humans. stop holding back at work. you know what i mean?
8. face the dream that feels so lofty i'm embarrassed to even mention it, then take one big step towards going for it. 
9. express gratitude to God and man every single day.

let me start with you. thank you, formless faceless idea of friends, for making me feel enough like someone is listening that i write stuff occasionally. i guess all i need to write is the idea, the possibility, of readers. i need real friends though.

i've also got another round of resolutions cookin, and you can participate if you feel so inclined and if i ever get it on this blogo. don't stay on the edge of your seats forever though.

go, live your new lives again.

resolved, 2013 edition

i get serious about my resolutions, you know, so more is coming. but here's the short list.

1. love more. both breadth and depth.