accidents and incidents

i'm a clumsy girl.  i wouldn't go so far as "accident prone," but i am definitely the type to spill on myself, spill on strangers, trip up the stairs, and fling forks every which way.  i think my entire wardrobe is visibly stained.  that's why i can't have nice things.

anyway, one summer when i was working at ranch camp in the mountains, the end of the season rolled around and it was time for the staff awards ceremony.  some people get best counselor, best attitude, best skit--i got best accident.  and it was kinda like i got two awards because i also caused best incident.  here's the story. 

i didn't drive campers very often, but for some reason, i was assigned to drive a backpacking trip into the tetons.  i got very careful instructions about parking and detaching the trailer, and i was feeling really good about my mad skills.  i even filled the van up with gas from the camp barrel so that it would be full for the next driver (thank you kindly, desert pete).  as i was topping my tank off, one of the cowboys came by and pointed out that i had just filled the entire tank with diesel gasoline.  this was not a diesel van.  oops.  "nobody told me!"

thus commenced the walk of shame to my boss's office.  i think my assistant boss might have started crying at the news, which made two of us.  anyway, they said they'd figure it out and send me the bill.  so i forgot about it, mostly.  the next day, some work friends were eating in town, and the cowboy from earlier mentioned something about burping gasoline.  i had no idea what he was talking about, but i sure laughed like i did.  (many of my social interactions go like that.)  months later, i finally got the joke when the cowboy won best incident for siphoning the diesel gas out of the van with his mouth.  yuck.

now, to the point.  today, sister j thought she'd do sister m a service by loading and starting her dishwasher.  soon, suds started seeping over the tile floor.  j showed me what she put in the washer, and yes, it was dish soap.  kinda like the time anne shirley gave diana berry hard liquor instead of raspberry cordial, we'd given m a big mess instead of a kind deed.  but the bottles look exactly the same.  honest mistake.  thirty minutes later, j had stopped panicking (think ruby gillis) and the dishwasher was suds-free.  i would have been laughing hysterically the whole time, except i'm still quite fragile from my big accident.

now, to the real point (have i ever written such a long blog in my life?).  last saturday, i was late for a movie with a friend because i absolutely had to clip my fingernails before leaving the house (or something equally critical).  i pulled on my fringe boots to channel fall and hopped on my road bike for speed. two blocks from home, my feet slipped off my clipless pedals, and my bike started careening wildly towards a ditch.  i completely lost control of the situation, very unlike me. 

next thing i know, i'm against the pavement, under my bike, struggling to get up because my backpack was stuck on my seat.  luckily, a jeep full of very nice men stopped to see if i was ok, and despite the fact that i was floundering on the ground like a fool "(what does it look like i'm doing?  fishing for lake trout?"), i quickly waved them on.    once i finally made it to standing, i had to text my friend to say, "i'm going to be even later than i thought.  i fell off my bike."  for some reason, i found (and find) that really humorous.  so many times i go biking, prepared and expecting to fall.  not this day, not when i'm two blocks from home, not when i'm wearing my pocahontas boots.  turns out, not many other people find my accident humorous or noteworthy, nor are many willing to give sympathy or presents when there's no blood to show.  come on people, what does it take?  i'm bleeding on the inside!

i can tell you're worried now, feeling bad even.  i am in pain, but please don't fret on my behalf. 

what's the name of this game?

"in this moment there is life and food for future years"

...These beauteous forms,
      Through a long absence, have not been to me
      As is a landscape to a blind man's eye:
      But oft, in lonely rooms, and 'mid the din
      Of towns and cities, I have owed to them
      In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
      Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart;
      And passing even into my purer mind,
      With tranquil restoration:--feelings too 

Of unremembered pleasure: such, perhaps,
      As have no slight or trivial influence
      On that best portion of a good man's life,
      His little, nameless, unremembered, acts
      Of kindness and of love. Nor less, I trust,
      To them I may have owed another gift,
      Of aspect more sublime; that blessed mood,
      In which the burthen of the mystery,
      In which the heavy and the weary weight
      Of all this unintelligible world, 

Is lightened:--that serene and blessed mood,
      In which the affections gently lead us on,--
      Until, the breath of this corporeal frame
      And even the motion of our human blood
      Almost suspended, we are laid asleep
      In body, and become a living soul:
      While with an eye made quiet by the power
      Of harmony, and the deep power of joy,
      We see into the life of things.

william wordsworth 

'courage is if you knew where there were some mountains, you would definitely climb them.'

once my sister marie gave me just the book i needed.  i found it the other day, and it was just the book i needed again.  only i know where some mountains are, and they've always been there, and i still haven't climbed them.  cheers to another day, one with more guts!

here is something i find ironic.  i hate change in the world outside me* but i love love love change inside me.  i think this has something to do with change in the world feeling like loss and change within me feeling like triumph.  even when the change in the world brings goodness--my niece and nephews growing up, for example--it feels like something goes that doesn't come back again.  there are few parts of me that i guess i wouldn't like to lose, but pretty much everything else is negotiable.  i want to be someone that i'm not yet.  doesn't everybody want to be someone, to be someone? 

*the only exception is seasons because they go round and round and round. 

we always did too much talkin anyway

met a woman at church today who has transformed my view.  (i wish all of my transformations were more lasting...but here's to hope this one will stick.)  this woman got to the heart of things in about seven seconds of conversation.  she asked the questions most people are too polite to ask.  she followed up with insight and personal experiences and more questions that really made me think.  she didn't hesitate to give, so i gave too.  after our fifteen minutes, she had convinced me that she cared about me and what i had to say.  she was so convincing that i actually spent the walk home trying to figure out why/how she cared so much.

it's hard for me to accept, but i get that not everyone is into this type of communication and that the seemingly intense and personal questions i love could be another's dread.  i'm trying to moderate my expectations for connecting with other humans, and not because others let me down, but because i let me down.  i'm not capable of connecting as much or in the ways i want.  hence my favorite words from a favorite man, President Thomas S. Monson: "often we live side by side but do not communicate heart to heart."  

more about what this woman gave me. she helped me recognize the gift of time, particularly in four years to prepare for goodbye. she reminded me of the strength of sisterly love.  she helped me feel how reconciliation liberates. 


resolve: to be more present and more authentic in all of my communication.  to be a better listener. 

how hard is it to play the tambourine or sing ooohs? being a writer on the other hand...

check out this vid:


feel like sometimes these guys make it look harder than it is.

i really posted this vid because the bit about girl gun noises vs. boy gun noises at the end really resonated with me.  welcome to a childhood of mockery.  thank you david.