happy halloweenie through the ages (but in no particular order because that takes too long)

marv wears it so well.

dave (sweet widows peak)

the year dad made my costume. maybe the same year dad blew up the sewing machine.

the year jane made my costume.

she loves.

pirate joanie.

pioneer day, not halloween

queen joanie in a play, not halloween

also not halloween; i just like this picture.

ben

gangsta dave, uncharacteristically not smiling

glimpse

i usually have narrow eyes for myself, but every so very rarely, i get a glimpse into what i could be. 

it happened today.  i was walking across a parking lot in the dark, shuffling the weights on my shoulders (so small as weights go, but so big on my shoulders), looking down, seeing narrowly, and now i can't even tell you where the crack began except to say i saw the perceived dark split open by possibility.  possibility is always light. 

i needed it.  i will hang the moment on my tree of nice things i think of while i fall asleep.  i always reserve the nicest things for just before bed: goals, gifts, my lovely memories, gratitudes. 

when i lived at home, bro bro hung words from my ceiling that used to send me to dream:

ring the bells that still can ring

forget your perfect offering

there's a crack in everything

that's how the light gets through

leonard cohen

 

vicious cycle

i'm overshowering lately, and i don't know how to make it stop.

i am not an every day type of girl. i'm just not. i think showering is a waste of time unless i'm really cold and even then, a blanket might do the trick. i know this is social taboo. i've known this since that conversation i had in the sixth grade when my friend found out with shame a disgust that i showered once a week. no biggie.

even in africa, even when the doctor said we had to shower every day or we'd get boils, i showered once a week because we showered by bucket and there was a gaping hole in the door and it wasn't uncommon for miss anna to walk in on me.

don't judge. or, as is probably more common, judge but hide it.

and because it SNOWED today, here's a pic of alta.

beliefs are the currents we'd grab onto if we had glass hands. instead we let them carry us away.

spent the morning in the mountains, with the rain. got soaked.

i thought about the two funerals i attended this week, and i thought about how both made me want to pedal harder towards the things that matter to me.

i thought about this thing i believe: God is good and goodness is all around.

my eyes learn daily to see a better world.

ps there's snow! on the mountains.

prepare to have your mind blown

i love having bro bro around because he teaches me lots of interesting things. and he gives me a ride to school on the handle bars of his bike on mornings when i'm running late (aka every morning.)

a few nights ago, bro bro and i rendezvoused in the library stairwell for a little science lesson. i wanted to know if the act of seeing leaves a physical trace. bro bro tried his best to explain light and the structure of the eye, but i'm a slow learner and gave up after about ten minutes. thirty minutes later, bro bro sends me the following video and a promise to get back to his own work. cheers to curiosity!

what do you make of this vid? (you have to watch it to the end, but it is totally awesome, even if you're already familiar with the experiment.)

mostly, yes, i take life too seriously. but sometimes life is a serious thing.

i'm in the hospital with nephew.  i peak under his snap jammies and see red on his stomach, a mixture of blood and stitches, covered with tape.  i hold a towel under his mouth as he throws up repeatedly, and he's hardly crying because he doesn't have the extra air, and when he finishes he sticks his thumb back in his mouth and rubs his fingers across his nose.  he doesn't cry.  occasionally he whimpers and reaches for his stuffed monkey, but mostly he is still and silent.  unusual for a two-year-old.

just now i smiled at him and he smiled back, laughed even, and i wonder where his happiness is coming from, what depths or reserves he draws from, or if it is just there, on the surface. 

watching him makes me think of God. how does He look down?

seeing how bravely nephew manages and has managed his whole life, i wonder how capable he is of self-pity: is that something he'll learn as he grows or does he feel it now, that awareness that he is different from other kids, from other people, and why, God, me?  i don't think he does.

 i hope to be more like nephew. 

in other words: i feel blessed beyond my capacity to merit. 

along the lines of identical twins

and "other insights i have that my dad considers stupid:"* have you ever considered how much free toilet paper you use?  besides utilities, can you think of any other good that compares in free usage?

*one time, dad and i were driving past the slc public library and i remarked on how amazing it was that there were only males and females in the world.  there could be like 30 sexes, and there are two.  it was an epiphany.  dad said, "remember that not everything you think is interesting is actually interesting."  noted. 

sundries, again

i rode my bike to school today for the first time since the accident, and i didn't fall off! so i thought i'd share. 


i also want to share this, love of my life: YOGA.  this guy chaz has a free podcast that is totally awesome so i can yogacize in my bedroom whenever i want.  try one.  you'll be hooked. 

also, how crazy are identical twins?  i walked past a pair today, and despite having grown up with identical twins, it struck me today in a totally different way.  maybe because i saw absolutely no difference in their faces, unlike the twins i grew up with.  crazy. 

because that's what kind of day this is

walked to campus early on a fall morning that was reminiscent, obviously, of many like fall mornings. 
reminiscent of paris years ago, and running through blowing leaves to catch the train to school.
listening to radiohead, then and now.

you know how a lot of blogs have that thing they do, like letter writing or following julia child or whatever?  maybe my blog's thing is being obsessed with the seasons, seeing them as the code for meaning in my life, and making the same observations year after year.  "i can't help myself."

fall makes me so sentimental.  i'll spare you the rest.
  
you know what kind of day saturday was? a four chocolate-donut day. 

give me grace

i've been traveling this road for miles
trying to get to where you are
i know you're telling me the way to go
but i just can't hear you over my heart

give me grace to make it through the night
give me faith so i can see the light
give me strength so i can make it home to you
home to you

my feet are tired of carrying this load
seems like i'm walking round and round
i need somebody to help me out
cause i wanna be standing on your holy ground

give me grace to make it through the night
give me faith so i can see the light
give me strength so i can make it home to you
home to you
...

the view from my window

is stunnerific.  post rain glory.  y mountain, a few low clouds, craggy rock.  how do i live so close to outside?

today felt like fall, right after it felt like someplace USA, typhoon season.  (are there typhoons in the USA?  and why isn't there a good acronym for planet earth yet?)  i ran across campus to meet a friend for lunch and burst into legends grille completely soaked.  i was also cracking up because i love LOVE the rain and people were looking at me funny, mostly the people waiting for the storm to pass to go outside.  clothes dry eventually and so do feet so quit your bawlin.

this little episode reminded me of that one time katie con and i went to gurus after school during the high school years.  it was raining epically that day too, and kate was maneuvering the pontiac pontoon, but the windshield wipers didn't work and so kate was trying to see out her open window and we also were wearing goggles. 

we forgot about the goggles for the first few minutes while we drip dried in the corner of the restaurant.  the eyes adjust.  but man we got some weird looks. 

so glad it's fall. doesn't summer feel so excessive?

facebook: a rant, and maybe a spoiler

ok, so it's 2:40 in the morning. i shouldn't be typing right now. i shouldn't be experiencing conscious thought right now. but i just went to the movies and saw the social network. this post is not a recommendation. you see what you want to see, and i'll do the same. i should say that i recognize the movie wasn't all accurate, but i'm going to act like it was here until i find out where to get the real story. i should also say cheers to the first someones who presented a critical view of social networking to wake us up a little bit. huzzah! it was pretty cool to sit in a movie that is not sci-fi and so timely . some movies are timely but totally sci-fi, and some movies are not sci-fi but blah blah blah. you know?

i sometimes think about how big business is running consumers instead of the other way around, and facebook is the most subtle offender. mark zuckerburg knew it. he wanted to destroy the old social order where he was at the bottom of the chain and he pulled it off. now he's on top. sort of. more in a money way than in a peace of mind, real fulfilling relationships way, though, i'm guessing. not that he doesn't have peace of mind, but he definitely doesn't have a corner on that market. and my need and a billion other people's need to fit into the social order helped lift him above us all.

i know this isn't really about levels, who's above who, or shouldn't be...but it is. and not that i'm bitter, but mark zukerberg and i graduated from high school THE SAME YEAR. yeah, he's a billionaire. check him out on facebook (but don't get your hopes up: you can't add him as a friend.) after watching the movie, i'm gonna have a real hard time buying this line: "i am on facebook to keep in touch with people i never see and wouldn't otherwise communicate with." yeah, that's true for all of us, but i just don't believe it is anyone's primary reason. mark zuckerburg created facebook because he KNEW how much we wanted to be part of the party, in the in crowd, accepted, befriended, validated (even if only superficially.) tell me you don't recognize that impulse in yourself--it's what my high school friends call Fear Of Missing Out. how many people have deleted their facebook page in a moment of self-disgust after hours of aimless stalking that leave them feeling worse about themselves only to reactivate their account days weeks months later? just me?

after the movie, i got on facebook because i had reason to more closely examine the masthead, the about page, the layout etc. and here's what i read on the welcome page: "facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life." baloney. i mean, yeah, it does, but like i said before--it was generated in a spirit of exclusivity and self-promotion, and that spirit fuels it still. the rest is clever marketing.

the real kicker is that we/i can't ignore facebook. we/i can't say, no, i want to fight against what has happened to social networking and do things the "old fashioned way." this is about critical mass, and if one or one hundred people is doing things the old fashioned way and waiting by the door for a visit from a friend who's simultaneously messaging on facebook, we won't connect. so will i leave it? i don't know. i'm really considering it. i'm at least finally being honest with myself about the fact that if i don't leave it, it's cause i'm afraid of missing out.

but missing what?

ps i don't think facebook is evil. i don't think it has inherent value: it is a tool and can be used in stupid and awesome ways. that's all.