alivest

it's been an emotional day, a peak day. some days just are, and i'm glad.

during my valley days, i harvest from the humdrum unknowingly, and on peak days, a flash of perspective shows the pattern binding all that i've gathered: thoughts, friends, sadnesses, smiles, memories. there is coherence in everything if i have the right eyes.

i'm so delighted to be alive and i'm ready to be my alivest. do you ever feel that way? for me, i always need some contrast, some kick into fullness, to realize that i wasn't full before. today, it was revisiting losses, the ghosts who believe my heart will always be home, and telling them that they can stick around, but they won't diminish me anymore.

i'm in the company of a crowd of memories that mean loneliness can't last too long. i'm on the edge of my seat to see what i'll make of tomorrow and i think it's gonna be good. and i'm at peace with the now in between.  

my words aren't coming, so i'll defer to mr. whitman to say it how i feel: 

O Me! O Life!

O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer. That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

--Walt Whitman