passion

i've spent the day in jammies, in bed, in contagious quarantine, in and out of aches, in a quiet snowy world where everything is muffled. even i have hardly said a word.

hello.

it's been mostly delightful in spite of the sick because i'm right in between too sick to do a stinkin thing and not sick enough to feel justified lounging in bed all day. that's a nice place to be, if you have to pick a point on the sick spectrum.

today i did things i never do. i read for hours. i researched phd programs. i responded to emails (at least some, the long involved kind.) i made doctor's appointments. i updated my facebook picture. i took notes about an essay i might write if i get the guts. i ate a whole carton of sorbet. IN BED. i paid money for apps like radiolab and this american life, and i slipped into a forgotten dream of writing for the radio.

 all of this--especially the sorbet--led me here, to one frightening towering question:

do i have passion?


i'm tempted to watch pride and prejudice and put the question away for a louder, more arrogant day, but i don't know if i have control over those kinds of things, especially since the day sort of led me here. i think i misunderstand passion, just as i misunderstand creativity, feminine sweetness, genius (of smarts or skill)--my default brain setting is that you're either born with these traits or you're not. and if you're blessed enough to be born into such traits, your will to choose is compromised. you wake up in the morning and you can't do anything but write! you encounter an unpleasant situation and your voice just comes out in honey tones and forgiving smiles! you sit down to the piano and masterpieces ensue!

clearly, it's selfish to think of passion this way because it absolves me from any responsibility to choose it, to create it, to fuel it, to constantly adapt it for survival inside an apathetic-trending world. however, i'd settle for a compromise (heaven, are you listening?) where passion would be demanding enough to determine its object but submissive enough to put the burden of pursuing that object on me. i feel like i know some people for whom this is the case. chuch and brains. kingfish and fish. ben and life. jan and recycling. why not me?