so sue me

another year and another song

people, i'm getting older. i know, i know--it happens to all of us, but lately i've really been feeling it happen to me. at the same time, i feel so young and foolish. so clumsy. so forward and backward. today on the train, i overheard a woman say, "i've been working there for 19 years now." this blew me away. she has spent the majority of my life at the same job. i've been working inside myself for 27 years now, but the life learning curve is steep.

yesterday, i had some good reflection on the state of my life. things haven't gone quite like i expected, and i'm sure they won't down the road either. i am not sure where i'm headed, but i want to add to the beauty. i want to give more back. i want to give more.

while i reflected, i listened to one song over and over. when i have a bit more time, i'd like to explain why. in the meantime, i'll just say i have designated it the anthem of my 28th year. here are the lyrics:

Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me
by Edward Hopper, 1818-1888

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life's tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee:
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will
When Thou say'st to them, "Be still!"
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
"Fear not, I will pilot thee."

and here is a vid from the lower lights, from one of the best concerts of my life.

song of the day

this one got me through a long day of work with a head cold.  thanks much, weepies.

presence

my thesis came in the mail last week, and as i sat on the couch looking it over, my jim brother saw me and said, "reading your own book...a little pretentious don't you think?" 
the weird thing is that those essays are like revelations to me--i wasn't reading them because i think they're boss; i was reading them because they keep teaching me things about myself. i feel this strange relief knowing that some of my stories are tethered, like the buoys that anchor the boats in hebgen lake, a still stay against perpetual motion. why, when for so many the world is often still, does the ground always slide under my feet?

i've been in montana, and before i went i was trying to prep myself to appreciate every single second. having a job skyrockets the value of a vacation, and i wanted to make the most of it. unfortunately, my family has this genetic ailment called "unrealistic expectations," and there was basically no way for this trip to measure up, even and especially though it is my favorite place on earth, my most home home these days. the day before i left the cabin, something clicked. "making every moment count" means letting the moments be what they'll be, not forcing them into my idea of what they should be. i was supposed to learn this lesson watching someone die: the moments we beg time to give back aren't the extraordinary ones listed in country songs--they are the most common moments, the ones that we first take for granted. coming home to someone sitting at the kitchen table. cracking up together at mispronounced words. sharing a hymnbook at church.

someday i will drop another anchor and write my story of this place. it won't be sentimental; it will be like The Meadow, an exceptional story of the way land holds on, the way land mixes with family until it becomes a character and you start thinking that turning on to that dirt road must be how coming home to the family of your hope will someday feel.

kingfish preparing his haul at the beach

one of many pictures where the photographer thinks chuch and i are dating

bro and sis trading baby tips

favorite. this is the cabin.

p.s.

america! america!
God shed his grace on thee
and crown thy good
with brotherhood
from sea to shining sea!

sharing

i moved. and i now ride public transportation to work. (helloooo i have a job what?) these two facts mean that i consume more and different types of media than i have been consuming for the last three years of schooling. ahhhh fiction. guiltless reading. it's so nice to be back.

this first book isn't fiction, but it made me cry pretty much every single page. i do not cry when i read. in fact, i can't remember the last time a book made me cry. this book...there is something about it. it is a compilation of interview excerpts, except these are ordinary people being interviewed by people who love them. i now have my eye on a digital recorder, and i may be asking some of you for interviews. stories are power. joan didion said, "we tell ourselves stories in order to live," and my goodness, i agree. read it. or don't read it and tell a few more stories (and check out this site.)

i've also been reading this, and as usual, jane austen's lessons stand the test of time. take care with your muslin and try to avoid foolish and false friends.

being totally honest, for the first time, i think i liked the movie better.

finally, i've been watching the les miserables 25th anniversary edition with sis. i love enjolras even more than mr. tilney. something about this music gets me--what a story! i tuck these bits into that part of my heart that i'm counting on to get me through the courage-needing times.
check enjolras out.


"stars"


"bring him home"


"one day more" w/original cast


ahhhh. i'm sorry for posting so many vids, but hey, you don't have to watch them.

forgive me for i wrote this at 6 in the am.

sometimes my brain hooks a brothah (sistah) up.

so many nights i have really weird dreams that leave me feeling a little bit off when i wake up. last night, i had a really weird dream but it was totally awesome.

picture this: i'm riding up a ski lift in whistler, b.c. and next thing i know i'm in a helicopter flying over epic mountain ranges. i say, "you know what this reminds me of? duuuuuhhhhh duh duh duuuuuuuuhhhhh duh duh duuuuuuhhhhhhhh," which is obviously one of the themes from lord of the rings, and immediately the helicopter banks and lands and suddenly i'm in new zealand with peter jackson touring the lord of the rings sites.

not that this dream was without major weirdness (eg a harry potter life size diorama instead of edoras), but it was mostly awesome.

proud to be a nerd.

the drive home

remember that episode of flight of the conchords where murray tells brett and jermaine that the city is too dangerous and brett wears that reflective safety vest and they get mugged despite the vest and the hiphopapotamus rap (ain't no party like my grandma's tea party; hey, ho), and brett's camera phone that's really a camera taped to a phone get's stolen?  well, my car is kind of like that camera phone except it's like a boat taped to a wind tunnel* (boat on account of the engine that gurgles and idols, wind tunnel on account of the several doors and sunroof that don't properly close, tape on account of the whole thing barely hanging together.  boat also on account of the water that gets in the car when it rains because of those doors and sunroof, and both boat and wind tunnel on account of the sheer monstrosity.)  because my car is like a boatwindtunneltape mess, i have to listen to my radio really loud.  so loud that by the time i got home tonight, my neck hurt.  it's like i need earplugs to hear my music, and "that don't make no sense."

the radio was sooo lame tonight.  nothing good.  the weird thing is that even after the forty minutes it took me to get home, i was still looking forward to every new song on every single station.  each time the song changed, it could have been the one.  it never was.  (okay, it was one time--more on that later.)  while i was flipping between really loud bits of really lame songs, i was contemplating a few things i could post on this blog.  many times i have nothing to say, but a few rare times i have to fight with myself over what to post.  should i post the top ten reasons why i wouldn't take myself on a second date or should i post the three songs i wish i would have heard on the radio?  luckily, the long drive gave me plenty of time to talk myself out of the top ten list as this blog is a major source of date revenue.  i'd be shooting myself in the foot.

and i was spared from posting the three songs i wished i would have heard by hearing the one song that was exactly what i wanted, which i will post below with clues for the tickling of your ears.



2:38--the riff on the hey jude bit

3:01-3:08--this is as close as i come to screamy music

3:58--hey judey judey judey judey judey

some people think the beatles are no good, and they're wrong.  that's all.  their name is a little silly, or i probably would have thought it was silly back in the day if i hadn't been in love with the guys.  "oneders.  like 1-ders."  "yeah i get it. still looks like oh-knee-ders."

*i have to admit that i don't know what a wind tunnel actually is or how big they run because brendan might read this and he probably knows and would want to correct me.  also, i'm grateful to have transportation even if it is consigning me to environmentalist hell.  that really is all.