hi me, it's me

i just love life, even when i hate life. you know what i mean? of course, i never really hate life, but i think you do know what i mean because sometimes maybe you feel the same way.

i love that life is dimensional and takes different shapes and i get to figure out what those shapes are by guessing and exploring.

i love that when life is a shape with corners and shadows, i sometimes find presents that i didn't see at first. i love unwrapping life presents.

like this one: sometimes i surprise myself. isn't that cool? i've been with me for 27 years, and there's still plenty of horizon. chuch told me today that i am able to have a very complex life because i have 100 billion (!) nerve cells in my brain, and none of these cells is random. they are each placed in specific connection because of the way i use them. that makes it seem obvious and impossible that i could surprise myself.

i've been sharing some marvisms on here, and i guess that's because we hang out a lot lately. we have professional development lunches, therapeutic drives, and mindless movie nights. all are great. the other day he told me that just because i don't see truth doesn't mean it isn't there. it probably just means that my eyes aren't ready yet.

that's why i get to surprise myself. and why we get to surprise each other. and why i love life.

sloughing, searching...

do you know how a hermit crab knows when it's time to find a new shell? me neither. maybe it's like the little pinch i feel when i've grown too big for a year or when a year has shrunk too small. either way, i'm looking for my next place. if your home was a year, what would it look like?

speaking of designing years, i take new years resolutions quite seriously. i have adopted the tradition of modge-podging them on a piece of cardboard as my annual craft. here's my first draft for 2012:

• stop over-sharing
• have less stomachaches
• attach my front license plate that is still in an envelope in my car
• stop congratulating myself and buying myself donuts when i do things like attach my front license plate
• go to china
• stop saying things about hipsters that i don't mean
• only share really really good youtube videos
• stop wearing clothes that are noticeably stained or that have large holes

i'll show you the collage when i finish it. i think it's going to be good.

the sad state of those cuffs

below are the lyrics from the song i heard driving home from work today, and i had to keep listening because they were just that silly. turns out this song is number 3 on the charts. whaaaaaaat? people, what are we doing? what do these words even mean?

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

There’s no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.

[Chorus]
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I’ll never be your mother’s favorite
Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl
Walkin’ with that troublesome guy

But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make you mine

and on and on and on

i'd like to hear these words in a love song on the radio, or maybe i'll just listen to this song a few times. those are good words too. weirdly, i chose two counter-examples that are nonsensical at first blush, but morphine at my door? just like the clouds my eyes will do the same? come on man.

somethings i forget

one of my favorite things in all of life is how somethings i remember. like lindsey walker's phone number from middle school. or like movie lines from dennis the menace. or like that thing mom said the christmas before she died, about how she wanted to get as much christmas inside her as possible, like she knew. (though christmas in heaven must be a sight to behold.)

i think of this every time christmas comes around, and i promise, in tribute, to stuff myself to the brim with good tidings and cheer for me and my kin, light to last me all year long. but then suddenly christmas is over and i'm not even two-thirds full yet.

not this year. i've been to every concert, baked bazillion goodies, watched a charlie brown christmas, and even strung lights on my own tree. i don't mean to get all grinchy on you, but as i've wondered why my heart isn't christmased inside and out, he's the man i heard in my head. christmas isn't something you can buy at a store; perhaps christmas is a little bit more!

tonight i went to a party and i forgot that i like new people. i forgot that there is a light inside of me and a light inside of them. i just sat like a dark corner and hoped people couldn't see me.

where does that come from? what puts the light out?

why he's a good dad

because when i'm angsting about dating, he takes me seriously, and when i'm doubting that it will happen for me, he disagrees. we all need someone who will disagree when we suggest writing true love out of our lives. and we should always listen to a man with a saw.

yurtin

last weekend, the jacksons let me and chuch tag along to the east fork yurt in christmas meadows. it was pretty typical. chuch and i left two hours later than planned, had a pleasant "argument" on the drive up about reliability that morphed into a discussion about dating and psychology that morphed into a lot of the new coldplay album, started skiing in the cold and dark, and on the first hill, i fell. chuch, of course, did not. i made him pretty nervous though, moaning like the grape lady. anyway, jim skied out to meet us in case we got lost or were eaten by bears or something, and chuch and i tried to make a case for why we should be treated like responsible and competent adults. we all agreed it wasn't a great case. once to the yurt, we ate pounds of junk and strutted around in long johns. all in all, a great trip. marie and jim, you still got it.

trip to the john

she's warning me, i think.

strutting

i couldn't get over how good these kids were on the skis!

hand warmers outside the gloves, obviously

even good skiers need the occasional breather

j bird

for some reason, we were on a "let's take a lot of pictures right in a row (isn't there a name for that?)" kick. i'm sparing you from the series. chuch is my fave.

this is the j bird's chariot and sherpa. that thing has skis!

a little awesomeness

holla.

today i drove home from work thinking a bazillion miles a minutes while the traffic stopped and goed for miles.

i came home and immediately forgot everything i was thinking about, except for this video i wanted to share with you. (the irony is not lost on me, nor was it intentional.)

i can't embed the video, but watch it here.